Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Shit my Grandpa taught me

I have a beautiful wife and I had a stunning revelation at 3:30 AM on Sunday...she snores! Not major league, but Single A at the moment. Promising Rookie. And no, she doesn't believe me.
My lovely Granma Franklin remarked once after I farted in front of her, "I have never done anything like that in my life!" The Judge replied, "Yes, you have" and went back to his book.
Thinking of the old Judge. I was playing with model cars and had set up an obstacle course using knick knacks from the living room on one of Granma's Persian rugs. One of the objects was the tabacco canister from Grandpa's smoking stand. (yes, they had shit like that in the olden days, when people smoked in their own house) as I was crawling around putting my model Corvette through its paces I knocked over the tobacco. I scooped it up off the rug and put it back in the canister. Gramps came home, settled in "his chair" and filled, tamped and put a match to his pipe. Ten seconds didn't go by before he started yelling, "What the hell is going on with my pipe tobacco, dammit?" "A man can't even come home and enjoy his pipe, for crissakes!" He was pissed! He put the pipe down and fired up a cigar and settled in with the afternoon paper. Nothing more was said. The next day he and I hopped in the car to go have breakfast. On the way we stopped at the tobacco shop where he ordered his blend of pipe tobacco. I stood there listening to him rip the ass off the guy who had been selling him cigars and tobacco for years. I'm standing next to grandpa looking at the floor, hearing him say, "Where the hell did that tobacco come from? All the years I've been your customer and you try to sell me shit like that, if I wanted shitty tobacco to smoke in my pipe I'd buy that horseshit Prince Albert! That shit you sold me tasted and smelled like it was mixed with sheep shit, it even smelled like burning wool when I put the match to it, god dammit!" Gramps, got his fresh tobacco, a profuse apology from the shop keeper. When we got back in the car, Gramps said, "I hope you learned something b ack there, you can't let people take advantage of you and when they do, you have to set it straight if you're any kind of a man!" I just looked out the windshield and said, "I got it Gramps"

1 comment:

  1. Re the snoring: I used to snore like a dragon. Then my doc discovered on one visit that I had atrial fibrillation. End result: Did a sleep study and was prescribed a c-pap machine, which controls the snoring, I'm told. My new pacemaker keeps my heart beating. But I know several people whose snoring has been controlled by the c-pap machine. Might want to check it out.