Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Holidays!

I can remember Christmas from about 4 years old on, they were all pretty good. However there were a few unusual ones and one was a huge mistake.

The mistake:

Buying my girls at 14 and 12 matching stereos (remember stereos?) for Christmas. And suffering through an ongoing "Battle of the Bands" for years. The stereos cost a little over $500. I would have paid $10,000 apiece to get rid of them. It was especially exciting when they were in High School and one liked head banger rock and the other dance music, sweet sleepin Hay-sus.

Weird and unusual Christmas Experiences.

Good, old, Irish, alcoholic Kevin B and I spending Christmas Eve together in Boston. I made a nice dinner and then we walked from my place down the street to Ciao Bella, an Italian place that offered Gefilte fish on Christmas Eve. We sat at the bar and wetted our whistles and watched Boston Jewish singles get drunk on their asses. When we were drunk on our asses at about 12;30, the owner Joe invited us downstairs to Daisy Buchanan's, he squeezed about 200 drunks in the bar, hung a sign on the door that said Private Party and kept us locked in until 4:30 in the morning. Kevin, Catholic, Irish and drunk said at about 3am, "tish is the furst Christmas in my life, I've missed midnight mass!" A ravishing beauty sitting next to him said, "Tough shit, freckle face!" I got home at 4:32, I have no idea how Kevin got home. he doesn't either.

Still single, I hit a Christmas double header in Palm Beach. On the Eve of Christmas Eve, I bought a box of cigars in Palm Beach, on my way home I thought what the hell, I'll stop at the Chesterfield Hotel's Leopard Lounge, smoke one and have a cocktail. 6 hours later, one of Palm Beach's most well known and prominent interior decorators is sitting on my couch, smashed. She was unable to drive so I offered her a lift, she insisted on coming home with me, I didn't argue with her. I was in decent shape, she was slack jawed, she was on my sofa, I was sitting across from her. I noticed a huge wet spot on the sofa, she had peed her pants!I hustled her into the bathroom, she handed me her pants and undies, I put them in the washer. I spent the next hour cleaning the pee off my sofa. When her pants were dry, I called a cab and sent her home. I went to bed, because I had a big time Christmas Eve party to host.

In radio, your business operates 24/7 and the stations have to be staffed everyday, holidays included. That means a working Christmas for some staffers. I had invited my radio orphans over for a Christmas Eve Feast. There was my fellow corporate guy, Geo, Eric the program director of our country FM, Kevin our Irish and alcoholic engineer, (who I had dragged down from Boston when I was transferred) and our 22 year old baby sportscaster Beau. I baked a ham, scalloped potatoes, yams all the usual Christmas Eve food plus a counter full of cocktails. We ate outside by the pool, my German Shepherd was filled with treats and we were full of food, good cheer and alcohol. About 11pm, young Beau piped up and said, "Hey, let's go to a strip club!" I looked at Geo and winked and said, "If you can find one open, we'll go." Never thinking he would. Young Beau got on the phone and after about 8 calls (South Florida's economy would collapse without titty bars) he found that Diamonds in West Palm was open. I left the dog in charge of the house and we piled into my car and headed for Diamonds.

Diamonds is a big club, it probably seats 250. On Christmas Eve it held two bartenders, two barmaids, 6 strippers and a handful of dreary customers. The 5 of us sat down right in front, ordered drinks and watched the Christmas Pageant. One little cutie, wearing only a Santa hat  focused in on young Beau. He was mesmerized. She invited him to enjoy a private dance or two. Off they went. Almost an hour later, she came back, punched me in the arm and said, "I hope you aren't a cheap son of a bitch like your son!" Young Beau had run up a tab well over $200.00 dollars in private dances and only had 42 dollars in his pocket. Happy Holidays!

When I got home, I sat by the pool, dog by my side and thought, this shit has got to stop! It did and it was best Christmas present I could give myself. The reward? 10 months later I met the "Cakes".


  1. Ah, yes, the young and the restless. The wild, fluid days of youth. The . . . (yawn) . . . I think it's time for my nap.

  2. I spent my 20's in my 40's and 50's. As Don Henley sang "the more I know about it, the less I understand."

  3. As I think about it Bobby even though we thought we were sad because we didn't have a woman during some of those times we actually laughed a lot more than we did when we found one.

  4. I think if we had stopped laughing, we would have cried. I was about a year from turning into a Hunter S. Thompson character or being featured in a Taratino film. It was that close, as you well know.