Part 4 “Thoughts”
I read an interesting line in a novel the other day…
“Finding a way to treat a need is not as satisfactory as finding the answer to the need.”
I remember going to “Family Week” with my mother when she was going through alcohol rehabilitation (it worked for her, magnificently) Mom had been covering up and stuffing her feelings over the death of my Dad. Dad died at 59. Mom was only 54 at the time. Dad suffered from heart problems for years, but for over a year he felt better than he’d felt for almost 20 years, he was walking every day. He lost weight and looked good. Then one night he dropped dead. Mom went into a tailspin. The madness stopped when she went to rehab.
Mom was covering her anguish by drowning the pain in alcohol…it was her way to “treat her need”. Because of the drinking, on her own she never found the answer. She’d drink half the night and when she woke up the need was still there. There was no “answer to the need” in a bottle of Absolute. She didn’t find her way back and her answer until she put the Absolute down.
(By the way, during Family Week my brother and my sisters and I found out Dad’s death wasn’t the only thing that bothered our Mother! But that is an another story for another time.)
Without the anesthetic of alcohol to cover her real feelings Mom began to address the things that were bothering her, one by one day by day and she began to find the answers she needed to find. It was a smashing success, she never drank again, never “fell off the wagon”. Not once. She had her old energy back, she took classes, she read again and she was a superstar in the dress business, she was our Mother again, smiling and happy. She found her answer and we got the gift of having her back in our lives. We had our “Mom” in our lives again. It was a beautiful thing.
As I moved through my treatment for depression I’ve often thought about my Mother’s Journey. I’ve been slowly but surely finding the reasons why I dropped into such a cold dark place for so long. I’m finding the answers to my needs. I believe that is why Erica has insisted I “stay on me” during our sessions. No one has a quick fix to my problems. The answers are inside me, inside my head. What I have done during this time is to modify my behavior. I may think something and want to react but I hold it in so I don’t say something hurtful.
My job has given me confidence in myself again. My self-esteem is up. I feel valued again. I make my clients comfortable and make them happy. It feels good.
My journey is far from over. I know people care about me, my wife loves me and I love her. My sisters have been wonderful, my grandkids, my kids and my nieces and nephews. (Thanks for moving to San Diego Suzie, nice to have you so close to me.)
I’ve had personal e-mails saying thank you for writing you story. Several people are going to get help because of what they’ve read. Damn that’s satisfying to know.
All of that and I feel safe again. And like Mom I'm finding myself. Her Journey has giving me strength. Another gift from Mom.
I’ll keep you all posted, I have a session with Erica next week!