My Journey

Part 5 “Day of Insight”

I had a session with Erica today. I have gone from 2 a week, to one. Then she moved me to every other week and now once every three. “You’ve made remarkable progress.” She said.

I had just finished telling her about the Sunday morning after my birthday while driving to work I felt all my anger, anxiety and fear wash out of me. I had just pulled out of the garage, shut the door and drove only a few hundred feet, it felt like a drain had opened and it all ran out and evaporated-disappeared. Not a trace was left. I felt liberated, I felt free for the first time in months. I felt good, happy. I felt like myself again.

“What do you think happened?”

“I think I started my motor again.”

Erica looked puzzled, “What do you mean, Robert?”

“There’s a phrase used to describe some athletes, the sport doesn’t make any difference, it’s said they have a big motor, they keep going under all circumstances, win, lose, impossible odds. I’ve always had a big motor and suddenly mine stopped. Maybe I stopped maintaining it, maybe I just shut it off and got used to not hearing it run anymore. What ever happened, for a long time it wasn’t there anymore! The motor, my motor, always kept me going even in the worst of circumstances. I needed to turn it back on and let it do its work. Without it, I lost confidence in myself. I stopped looking for solutions, I saw only problems. Without its power inside of me, I rolled to a stop. I was dead alongside the road. I was watching the rest of the world roll by without me. My non-participation was what was making me crazy, making me lash out whenever someone came near. This, these sessions helped me get it running again, at least motivated me to try. The funny thing is, I’ve know this is what I needed to do and for the longest time I was afraid to push the button marked start. When I finally decided to risk pushing the button, my motor sounded fresh and new and better than ever, I eased forward and there it was, working for me like it always has. On that morning on the way to work I let it run hard and fast and that’s when it happened, I was away from the black hole after all that time.”

Erica smiled, “Whatever turns your crank. Have you felt any regression or that you’ve slipped backwards at all?”

“Off and on, but nothing like before. I feel so much better I can’t allow it.”

“I want you to keep this up, I’ll see you three weeks from today. Can you keep a journal of your feelings?”

“I do already, no great detail, but I keep track of what’s happening.”

“Good, if you’d like to share it next time, we can talk about it.”

“I’d like that.”

“Are you eating?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sleeping?”

“Yes.”

“How much are you drinking?”

“About a third of what I was a month or two ago.”

“You feel better?”

“I do.”

“You’ve worked hard. I see you are better in your eyes.”

“Does this mean I’ll make your book?”

“What book?”

“The one you’ll write when you retire.”