My Journey, a continuing series…

“It’s always about you!” she said. “You always have to be in the spotlight. You’re angry, you lash out. You get up and walk away.”

She’s right, 100% right. The question then is why? I can only find a few desperate parts and I can’t come up with a complete answer. Am I frustrated with my life? I know I am.  But who isn’t? Have I squandered my abilities, sure. Have I made mistakes and done really stupid things and doubled down by doing more stupid actions? Of course I have.

It’s strange, I like my job and I’m good at it. Better than I thought I would be. I like working again; on the other hand it eats me alive in so many ways. I hate getting home at 9:30 at night, never having the time to go anywhere or even have the time to turn around before I’m up and at it again. Is any of this Jan’s fault? No it isn’t.

What I need to do is start reacting to the frustration in a more, positive way. Stop letting the up and downs piss me off, stop acting like an angry little boy about things I can’t control. Stop internalizing and then stop being angry, stop expressing my anger in non-productive ways. I need to jump out of the way and let the shit roll on down the hill, because I can’t stop gravity, so why even try. The trying is what turns a decent person into a dick and believe me I can really be a dick sometimes. Funny thing is I hate being an ass, I hate being a jerk, I don’t like being mean and angry. The answer is right in front of me, I just have to stop the behavior.

How did I lose 58 pounds? I stopped eating so damn much food. I need to stop being a dick from time to time. I’d better stop it, it’s as unhealthy as being a fat guy, right?

Do I have good things in my life, you bet I do. I need to focus on the good things and let the things that suck in my life roll on down the hill.

The good things I have are really good, a loving wife, kids and grandkids, a good strong and healthy family, a bunch of close friends. I have my health, I have energy and in my new career I get to exercise my brain day in and day out.

So why do I get angry and lash out? Am I going to expend energy on the bull shit or am I going to focus on the positive? Ahh, that’s the question, isn’t it?

I like to think I’m a reality based person, time to adjust to the reality. As my wife said to me last night, “You’re not going to live forever are you? Stop wasting the time you have, be positive, be happy, be the person you used to be.”

She’s right and it hit me like a ton of bricks. If a guy who loves to eat and drink can lose 58 pounds, he sure the hell can learn how to appreciate the good things in life and stop being frustrated because he never became a race car driver or sailed around the world.

My Journey…

I haven’t posted for a while. Not that this adventure is over, it’s because my work schedule creates scheduling problems since my only reliable day off is Thursday. (Imagine that!)

I did sit down today with Erica for an hour, my first session in a month. Her first question was, “So Robert, how are you doing?”

I told her my bouts with depression are still showing up, but they are sometimes weeks apart and not as debilitated as they were in the past, so my life is much better. I’m sleeping more and I’m not as anxious as I was. I told her that I believe I have it under control at least to the point where it’s not totally kicking my ass day in and day out.

Erica then said, “I think we need to start looking for the sources of your depression. By doing that we can find where it started and why it started.” She floated some ideas she had from her study of my records and from our conversations. She went on to say that “I might be surprised how and when the groundwork was laid for the deep hole I fell into.”

She gave me some ideas to think about and better ways to communicate my feelings to Cakes and in general communicate in a better, more openly, with not only my wife, but others too.

Plenty to think about, lots to work on. She did say that my job has given a big dose of self-esteem and she can see the physical change in me and not just how much better my attitude is too. So I did get a pat on the back today.

We meet again on the 18^th. I have a ton of homework to do, we’ll see how it goes.

Self-examination isn’t for weaklings…

My Journey

Part 4 “Thoughts”

I read an interesting line in a novel the other day…

“Finding a way to treat a need is not as satisfactory as finding the answer to the need.”

I remember going to “Family Week”   with my mother when she was going through alcohol rehabilitation (it worked for her, magnificently) Mom had been covering up and stuffing her feelings over the death of my Dad. Dad died at 59. Mom was only 54 at the time. Dad suffered from heart problems for years, but for over a year he felt better than he’d felt for almost 20 years, he was walking every day. He lost weight and looked good. Then one night he dropped dead. Mom went into a tailspin. The madness stopped when she went to rehab.

Mom was covering her anguish by drowning the pain in alcohol…it was her way to “treat her need”. Because of the drinking, on her own she never found the answer. She’d drink half the night and when she woke up the need was still there. There was no “answer to the need” in a bottle of Absolute. She didn’t find her way back and her answer until she put the Absolute down.

(By the way, during Family Week my brother and my sisters and I found out Dad’s death wasn’t the only thing that bothered our Mother! But that is another story for another time.)

Without the anesthetic of alcohol to cover her real feelings Mom began to address the things that were bothering her, one by one day by day and she began to find the answers she needed to find. It was a smashing success. She never drank again, never “fell off the wagon”. Not once. She had her old energy back, she took classes, she read again and she was a superstar in the dress business, she was our Mother again, smiling and happy. She found her answer and we got the gift of having her back in our lives. We had our “Mom” in our lives again. It was a beautiful thing.

As I moved through my treatment for depression I’ve often thought about my Mother’s Journey. I’ve been slowly but surely finding the reasons why I dropped into such a cold dark place for so long. I’m finding the answers to my needs. I believe that is why Erica has insisted I “stay on me” during our sessions. No one has a quick fix to my problems. The answers are inside me, inside my head. What I have done during this time is to modify my behavior. I may think something and want to react but I hold it in so I don’t say something hurtful. My job has given me confidence in myself again. My self-esteem is up. I feel valued again. I make my clients comfortable and make them happy. It feels good.

My journey is far from over. I know people care about me, my wife loves me and I love her. My sisters have been wonderful, my grandkids, my kids and my nieces and nephews. Thanks for moving to San Diego Suzie, nice to have you so close.

I’ve had personal e-mails saying thank you for writing your story. Several are going to get help because of what they’ve read. That’s satisfying to know.

I’ll keep you all posted, I have a session with Erica next week!

My Journey

Part 4 “Thoughts”

I read an interesting line in a novel the other day…

“Finding a way to treat a need is not as satisfactory as finding the answer to the need.”

I remember going to “Family Week”   with my mother when she was going through alcohol rehabilitation (it worked for her, magnificently) Mom had been covering up and stuffing her feelings over the death of my Dad. Dad died at 59. Mom was only 54 at the time. Dad suffered from heart problems for years, but for over a year he felt better than he’d felt for almost 20 years, he was walking every day. He lost weight and looked good. Then one night he dropped dead. Mom went into a tailspin. The madness stopped when she went to rehab.

Mom was covering her anguish by drowning the pain in alcohol…it was her way to “treat her need”. Because of the drinking, on her own she never found the answer. She’d drink half the night and when she woke up the need was still there. There was no “answer to the need” in a bottle of Absolute. She didn’t find her way back and her answer until she put the Absolute down.

(By the way, during Family Week my brother and my sisters and I found out Dad’s death wasn’t the only thing that bothered our Mother! But that is an another story for another time.)

Without the anesthetic of alcohol to cover her real feelings Mom began to address the things that were bothering her, one by one day by day and she began to find the answers she needed to find. It was a smashing success, she never drank again, never “fell off the wagon”. Not once. She had her old energy back, she took classes, she read again and she was a superstar in the dress business, she was our Mother again, smiling and happy. She found her answer and we got the gift of having her back in our lives. We had our “Mom” in our lives again. It was a beautiful thing.

As I moved through my treatment for depression I’ve often thought about my Mother’s Journey. I’ve been slowly but surely finding the reasons why I dropped into such a cold dark place for so long. I’m finding the answers to my needs. I believe that is why Erica has insisted I “stay on me” during our sessions. No one has a quick fix to my problems. The answers are inside me, inside my head. What I have done during this time is to modify my behavior. I may think something and want to react but I hold it in so I don’t say something hurtful.

My job has given me confidence in myself again. My self-esteem is up. I feel valued again. I make my clients comfortable and make them happy. It feels good.

My journey is far from over. I know people care about me, my wife loves me and I love her. My sisters have been wonderful, my grandkids, my kids and my nieces and nephews. (Thanks for moving to San Diego Suzie, nice to have you so close to me.)

I’ve had personal e-mails saying thank you for writing you story. Several people are going to get help because of what they’ve read. Damn that’s satisfying to know.

All of that and I feel safe again. And like Mom I'm finding myself. Her Journey has giving me strength. Another gift from Mom.

I’ll keep you all posted, I have a session with Erica next week!

My Journey

Part 3 “Erica”

The Kaiser Behavioral Science building is a few blocks north of the Kaiser Hills hospital complex off Desoto Avenue in Woodland Hills. It’s a large one story, modern building. You check in at the front desk and then to the waiting room. Every time you attend a session, they give you an IPad and you take a 25 question assessment. The results are immediately sent to your therapist. The interior of the building is austere, institutional. It is very quiet. There is plenty of security.

On time at 3:25, a tall, thin woman opens the waiting room door and said  my name, I get up, introductions are made, we walk down a series of hallways. She unlocks the door to her office and motions to me to go inside. The room is small, decorated like a comfortable den. There is a computer, key board and screen at a home style desk in one corner, a sofa, a love seat and a comfortable chair, rugs on the floor. Erica has me sit on the love seat. She is across the room from me in the chair.

“So, Robert, what’s going on with you?” She said.

I begin…Erica stops me. “Let’s not talk about your wife for the moment. Stay with yourself. I know you feel guilty about what’s happened and how you feel you’ve treated her. I understand that. But we need to start with you. Okay?”

“Yes, yes.” So I began my story. Every time I’d try to shift the narrative, try to get the spotlight off myself, Erica would gently move me back on track. For the next 45 minutes, I talked to her about what has happened to me. Not the people around me, not Jan. Me. I told her my story. Erica would ask questions, soft sounding, but hard to answer. She was patient as I worked out my thoughts. It was painful to tell someone what had been going on in my head. About 15 minutes into the session, it became easier. I unburdened myself, for the first time in a long time. I told her the truth. If I didn’t she quietly called me on my bullshit.

She walked me out, shook my hand and said, “Next Tuesday, 8:30AM.”

I thanked her, shook her hand, I left. I walked to my car feeling lighter than I had in a long time.

My Journey

Part 2. “The Group”

A week after Dr. F gave me her gentle, but firm push. I had an appointment for the next Wednesday with my new therapist. It was suggested during the “intake” session there was a group meeting I could attend on Thursday at Kaiser’s Woodland Hills Behavioral Science Center. It wasn’t mandatory but I went.

There were six men in the group. All former business guys, all upper management types. They ranged in age from 66 to 73, I was in the middle. I was welcomed and I told my story. 47 years in the broadcast business, in management at 24. When my last stations were sold, I walked out the door with high hopes of getting into ownership. I spent time, money and effort trying to get it done. It didn’t happen. I did a consulting project and didn’t get paid, more time, money and effort wasted. I looked for jobs in radio. I shortened my resume and applied and applied and applied. Nothing, I was puzzled, then I got mad, then I got angry. They all nodded their heads, smiled and almost in unison said “Been there pal.”

The group leader, an older psychologist said. “It’s a bitch to go from an Alpha male to an Omega, isn’t it?” I hadn’t thought of it like that, but it was. It was hard, the rejection was harder. He said, “Nobody knew your name, right?”

“And nobody returned my calls either. All my mentors are dead or retired.” I said.

“Let me guess, you kept on trying didn’t you? How long did it take you to stop beating your head against the wall?’”

“A year. It took a year.”

“Then you stopped?”

“I didn’t stop. Not for a while and I did get a job offer in New Hampshire. I seriously thought about taking it, but at the time my wife just started a new job, she loved it and it wouldn’t have been fair of me to drag her all the way across the country. So no, I didn’t take it.”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“I’m glad I didn’t accept it, it was really a lousy job. We both would have been miserable.”

  The oldest guy in the room asked me, “How do you feel about your old business now?”

“I don’t give a shit anymore.”

They all laughed and agreed they felt the same way about their former careers.

“You can only get kicked in the nuts so many times.” One of the guys said. He’s absolutely right.

We BSed for a half hour after the session ended. I left Woodland Hills feeling better. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I felt stronger. The piece of the blue was a little wider, not much, but I could see the difference.

I went home and cooked a great dinner, I still couldn’t eat, but what I did taste tasted good and my wife cleaned her plate. We went to bed at ten. I woke up at 3 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I guess momentarily feeling better and getting better are two completely different things.

“Male depression is a serious medical condition, but many men try to ignore it or refuse treatment.”- Mayo Clinic.

Next “Sitting down with Erica”

My Journey

Part 1 “The wise Doctor”

Doctor F sat on her stool directly in front of me. I was sitting on the examination table. The nurse had already taken my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature. Patrice noted them on her computer. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

She looked in my eyes and said, “How are you feeling Robert?”

“I’m okay, but…”

“You aren’t the same person that you were when we first met. What’s going on? Physically you’re fine, but you’re not okay are you?”

I said, “No, I don’t know what has happened to me. You’re right I have changed, I don’t like what I’ve become.” Then I told her, “I took the Kaiser Depression Index and..”

“What did it tell you?”

“That I was severely depressed.”

“Tell me how you think you’ve changed and why.” She asked.

“I don’t sleep anymore, I wake up after a few hours and can’t go back to sleep again, so I stay up, by the middle of the afternoon, I’m exhausted to the point I start to nod off, I usually nap for an hour or two.”

“Yes. What else is happening?”

“Some days I don’t shower or shave, in fact I’ve gone two or three days several times and haven’t gotten cleaned up. My wife will leave in the morning and when she comes home, there I am in an old t-shirt with bed head at 5 in the afternoon. I think she thinks I’m disgusting.”

‘Are you?”

“Yes and that’s not all.”

“What else is happening?”

“I’ve turned into a total dick with Jan, I argue, I cut her off. I yell. I’m angry even when I have nothing to be angry about. My daughter has noticed it and brought it up with Jan and with me.”

“Were you surprised at that?”

“No because it’s true. I know I’m an asshole with her. When I’m being harsh and angry, making mountains out of nothing, I know I’m doing it but I can’t stop it. It’s like I'm watching it happen, I want to stop but I can’t, part of it won’t let me stop.”

Are you mad at Jan about something?”

“No, I’m not mad at her.”

“They why do you verbally abuse her?”

“I think I’m mad at me, myself…she is my outlet.”

“You think that’s fair of you to do?”

“God no, it isn’t fair or right, it’s a terrible thing to do.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“A long, long time. It’s gotten really bad over the past year, year and a half. I’ve done some reading about depression and I’m a classic older male example.”

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself?”

“I have.”

“Have gotten to the point of planning it?”

“Yes.”

“Is that what you want?”

“No, it’s not, but when things are hard it’s easy to think about-it seems to be a solution for a moment or two anyway.”

Doctor Patrice F rolled her stool back, looked me in the eyes and said very softly, “Let me help you. Will you do that for yourself?” she waited for my answer.

I took a long time to answer and finally said “Yes, I will.”

Patrice smiled, “Good. You have too much to live for Robert, a good wife, children, grandchildren and friends. You’ve gotten your health together over the past couple of years. You’ve been one of my few patients that seldom frustrates me. Remember when we talked about the people you see in the waiting room?”

“Sure I do.”

“You told me that you didn’t want to end up like that, you didn’t want to be another sick old man didn’t you?”

“Uh huh, I did.”

“I believe if you don’t get some help you are headed in a direction that doesn’t have a healthy ending, a good ending for you and you need to fix it now. It isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and honesty on your part. I’ll get things set up for you. When I do the office will call you and give you a number to call to set up your intake interview.” Patrice smiled and said. “Do it Robert, I know you can.”

“I’ll do it because I hate what I’ve become.”

“When you go home tonight, apologize to your wife and tell her what we’ve talked about today, okay?”

“I will.”

Driving home I thought about what she said. When I got home I rubbed the dog’s ears and looked into his eyes. I made myself a Jack on the rocks with a splash. I sipped it on the porch. I thought I’d better put down my shovel and stop digging. I finally looked up and a long way off was a touch of blue sky. I hadn’t seen it for a long, long time.

Major depression. Type: Term. Definitions: 1. a mental disorder characterized by sustained depression of mood, anhedonia, sleep and appetite disturbances, and feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and hopelessness