My Journey, a continuing series…

“It’s always about you!” she said. “You always have to be in the spotlight. You’re angry, you lash out. You get up and walk away.”

She’s right, 100% right. The question then is why? I can only find a few desperate parts and I can’t come up with a complete answer. Am I frustrated with my life? I know I am.  But who isn’t? Have I squandered my abilities, sure. Have I made mistakes and done really stupid things and doubled down by doing more stupid actions? Of course I have.

It’s strange, I like my job and I’m good at it. Better than I thought I would be. I like working again; on the other hand it eats me alive in so many ways. I hate getting home at 9:30 at night, never having the time to go anywhere or even have the time to turn around before I’m up and at it again. Is any of this Jan’s fault? No it isn’t.

What I need to do is start reacting to the frustration in a more, positive way. Stop letting the up and downs piss me off, stop acting like an angry little boy about things I can’t control. Stop internalizing and then stop being angry, stop expressing my anger in non-productive ways. I need to jump out of the way and let the shit roll on down the hill, because I can’t stop gravity, so why even try. The trying is what turns a decent person into a dick and believe me I can really be a dick sometimes. Funny thing is I hate being an ass, I hate being a jerk, I don’t like being mean and angry. The answer is right in front of me, I just have to stop the behavior.

How did I lose 58 pounds? I stopped eating so damn much food. I need to stop being a dick from time to time. I’d better stop it, it’s as unhealthy as being a fat guy, right?

Do I have good things in my life, you bet I do. I need to focus on the good things and let the things that suck in my life roll on down the hill.

The good things I have are really good, a loving wife, kids and grandkids, a good strong and healthy family, a bunch of close friends. I have my health, I have energy and in my new career I get to exercise my brain day in and day out.

So why do I get angry and lash out? Am I going to expend energy on the bull shit or am I going to focus on the positive? Ahh, that’s the question, isn’t it?

I like to think I’m a reality based person, time to adjust to the reality. As my wife said to me last night, “You’re not going to live forever are you? Stop wasting the time you have, be positive, be happy, be the person you used to be.”

She’s right and it hit me like a ton of bricks. If a guy who loves to eat and drink can lose 58 pounds, he sure the hell can learn how to appreciate the good things in life and stop being frustrated because he never became a race car driver or sailed around the world.