The Shootist...

"There's a snake under the the grill!"

Sure as hell when the grill cover came off, there was a rattle snake fast asleep under the stainless steel grill on my buddy's patio. The rattler was startled and started flicking it's tongue, moving it's head to see what had awakened it.

"Hang on, I'll take care of the son of a bitch." my friend said.

He went in the house and came back with a 9mm Glock pistol, "This will fuck that snake up!"

"Hold on, you want to shoot the snake with a pistol? What if you miss? There's a propane tank in the grill, the patio is concrete and your neighbors house is 50 yards away, you could burn your house down or shoot your neighbor." As I said those words, he cocked the pistol.

"9 rounds and one in the snout. Should be enough to take care of that god damned rattle snake."

"When's the last time you shot that thing?"

"I went to the range last year."

"Have you fired it since?"

"No it's too powerful to shoot out here." He lives in a desert area north of Phoenix and he and his neighbors routinely shoot at rabbits in their backyards with .22 rifles.

"If it's too powerful to shoot out here, why the hell are you going to use it on that snake that is right next to your house underneath a fucking propane tank, are you crazy?"

He paused for a moment. The snake is tightly coiled and still flicking it's tongue. The rattler looks to be about 6 feet long and I'm guessing it would like nothing better than to get off the patio, fast. My friend goes back in the house, our wives are inside looking out the sliding glass door, they are terrified. My buddy comes back out with a pellet pistol, the kind that shoots the hard metal pellets.

"Okay you pussy, I'll use this." He stands about 30 feet away from the grill and takes a shot, the pellet hits the grill just to the right of the gas controls. He misses the snake by at least three feet. Of course he's one handing the pellet pistol, he takes another one handed shot. The pellet hits the grill door on the right hand side. It's the door that covers the propane tank. The pellet ricochets off the door and hits one of the patio chairs with a loud ping. Missed again. he takes another shot, hits the concrete in front of the snake, the pellet bounces up, hits the grill and disappears into the flowers alongside the patio. He's taken three shots and his hand is shaking. The snake is still coiled and now it's ready for anything.

"Give me that god damned thing." I took the pellet pistol from him. I haven't shot a pistol since I qualified Expert in the Army with a .45. The pellet pistol is light, too light really, it looks nasty though. I know a rattler can strike about 1 and a half times it's length. In this case that's 9 feet. I position myself about 15 feet from the snake, get down on one knee, put two hands on the pistol, take a deep breath, let it out and squeeze off a pellet. I hit the snake in the eye, It dropped and uncoiled under the grill. Dead. Frankly I felt like shit, it should have gone on to spend it's life eating mice and gophers for a living. Rattlers do have a purpose in nature.

"Good shooting!" My pal yells and pops a beer and hands it to me.

"Right and you ought to sell your fucking Glock before you shoot your wife some night."

We scooped the snake up with a shovel and dropped it the dry wash behind his house, we cooked dinner, drank too much wine and went to bed. I said to my wife, "I hope he learned something today."

He didn't, he called on New Years and I heard gunshots in the background, I asked him what was going on.

"The neighbors and I are just celebrating New Years."
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