Dear Dr. Trump...

I was fascinated by your advice yesterday. After your informative press conference, I tried your bleach suggestion, I mixed Clorox with a packet of instant lemonade in a beer glass. I couldn't get it down. 

Knowing it would protect me, I came up with a solution, multiple small doses. I put 10 packets of lemonade mix into a one-gallon jug of Clorox, then put the jug in my freezer, it was a tight fit, so I ate the gallon of strawberry ice cream I had to remove to get the bleach mixture in the freezer. 

Two hours later, I poured the chilled mixture into a shot glass. Using the shot glass method the chilled bleach was easy to get down, I didn't know the exact dosage you'd recommend. I figured 10 shots would be a good initial dosage.

When my wife came home from work, she's an ER nurse, she said, "What the hell are you doing with that bleach and look at the mess you've made in the kitchen!" 

At that point, I couldn't talk and my eyes were watering, I was so weak, I couldn't get off the floor. My wife said, "You're a disgusting bastard, spending your day drinking and watching Fox news, I'm going to bed and this mess better be cleaned up before I go back to work tomorrow." 
Sir, I was unable to respond. 

Dr. Trump, by this point, my stomach felt like it was on fire, every time I belched the lining of my throat feels like it's going to fly out of my mouth, my head is pounding, my ears are ringing, I have chest pains and I'm having trouble breathing. 

Luckily, several hours later, my wife got up to pee and when she finished, she checked on me, I was curled in a ball on the kitchen floor. She assessed the situation, cut a ten-inch section out of my new garden hose. jammed it on the turkey baster and pumped my stomach right there on the kitchen floor. When she finished, she said, "It's a damned good thing you ate a gallon of ice cream before you drank that shit, otherwise I'd be calling the coroner." With that, she stomped off to bed and locked the door.

Dr. Trump, I'm still shaky and the headache won't go away, I can breathe somewhat better. I am concerned about the continuing chest pain, I asked my wife about it, she said, "You're an idiot, don't talk to me."

Since she left for work, I've been thinking, what do you think about using powdered bleach in time-release capsules? Could you have Jared look into that? Maybe bleach in suppository form? Although after my morning sit-down I did notice some blood, so maybe that isn't a good idea.

My neighbor Larry and I are working on mercury battery-powered UV lights. Larry thinks if we use those small disc-shaped mercury hearing aid batteries attached to a UV bulb we'll be able to get the powerful disinfecting light inside our bodies.  Larry and I know the batteries will be easy to swallow (we both swallowed two yesterday after your press conference) they go down nicely with a good gulp of beer. Larry wants to know if you have a source for small UV light bulbs so we can further our research. 

I've attached my contact information, so it will be easy for Jared to get back to me. 

Thank you and God Bless you, sir, I'm a big man (my wife says that's what saved my fat ass from bleach poisoning) and I have tears in my eyes. 

Make America Great Again!